I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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