I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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