Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
