in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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