I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
