I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
