p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
