hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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