I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
