Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
