Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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