his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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