When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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