just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
