If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
