At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
