Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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