Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
