just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
