last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
