"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
