This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
