I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
