omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
