Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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