if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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