a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
