Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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