I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So vagazzling was a success
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
