this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
