Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
