im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
