It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize
