I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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