i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
