At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
