$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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