o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just found a bag of teeth...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
