Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
