Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
