I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
