When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's shark week go big or go home
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
True college students do jello shots in the library
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