His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
