When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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