kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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