Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
