I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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