Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
