At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Pooping to opera.
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