I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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